"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."-Dr.Seuss

Normally I take the time to write out a rough draft of my blog so that I know how stupid I sound before I submit it for the whole world to see. That and I am a horrible speller. Grammar Nazi yes, Spelling Bee champion, never. But I'm going to write straight from my heart on this one. I sit here in my PJ's, just finished reading Fifty Shades Darker, and my heart feels heavy and my mind is full. I need a drink in my life, but I have too much going on tomorrow to indulge in the sweet, satisfying taste of vodka. It is sad that I have finally grown to the point in my life that I resist a drink, or ten, on a self pitty day because I know I have to get up for work in the morning. But what I wouldn't do for some liquid courage right about now.

I left my home away from home Crummy's this fine evening for many reasons. One, being listed above, is that that I have something very important to do in the morning for my AWESOME job. Second, I don't really have the money to spend on drinks and I don't know a billionaire who could afford myself and my friend's drinking habits. Third, I was dressed WAY too down to be hanging out in a public place and I was in serious need of a shower. I worked super hard today AND I bowled an impressive 195 so I was a tad bit sweaty. And lastly I left because I am a girl and sometimes a girl just doesn't need to see what she can't have sitting in front of her, within arms reach, not wanting her.

I told Megan tonight that I would be a strong person and just stop whatever feelings I have for him right now before I end up hurt and reading text messages about other girls while I drown my sorrows in vodka. I told her that if I can just ignore it then eventually it will have to go away.

And she told me that she was proud of me.

But...(there's always a 'but' isn't there?) I don't know if I can. I couldn't even look at him as I told my two best friends 'good-bye'. I didn't want to look into his eyes and not see the same thing looking back at me. I left quickly before I could be talked into staying as I was last week. I needed to stick to my guns. I needed to leave. I needed to get in my car and go the fuck back to Haysville and finish my book and take a shower and tweak my slideshow...and sit here and kick myself in the ass for not being the brave girl I want to be. For not being as outspoken as my other friends. For not taking advantage of an amazing situation when I had the chance instead of being so pumped up for a fucking movie.

I will NOT let this ruin my summer. I fully intend on hanging out with my best friends on Wednesdays and having as much fun as I can. Even if that means not drinking. Even if that means I have to force myself to be strong and MOVE THE FUCK AROUND!

I'm putting a stop to these feelings. I don't want to, but I know in my jacked up little heart that if I don't quit while I'm ahead, then I'll feel worse in the long run.

I think I can handle the "Friend Zone". I've been here many times before. They know me here. They save me a table for one near the window so I can watch from afar.

Heidi Jane

I Love My Job

As I sit here waiting on my super amazing slide show for the up and coming 2012 Pre-K graduation to save,  I am reflecting on today. Was it a good day? *eh* Sorta. Was it a bad day? *eh* Not really. Was there someone who made me wanna throw a chair thru the window in the style of Chris Brown and then give ‘em a Rock Bottom AND a People’s Elbow? You bet your ass there was.

But does that stop me from wanting to go back tomorrow?

The answer is simple.

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT!

I LOVE MY JOB!!!!  I’ll scream it from the roof tops until I am blue in the face. I freaking love my job. There are days like today where my name was actually on the list of people who did a fuck up yesterday where I spend the first 25 minutes of work angry. But then I remember all the AMAZING shit I do on the daily, and it ten folds outweighs leaving my cup out. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere else. Nor do I ever want to. (Unless that dream of a singing career ever happens. And yet I still hope I on the schedule just in case.)

Do I make the amount of money that I am worth? Hell to the no. But I understand that that is what happens when you work in child care, especially one that supports a church.

Do I have health benefits? Again, no. But again, I choose to work here and I knew all this beforehand. I know how my body is and when I start to feel really shitty I do go to the doctor. I just pay out of pocket.

Do I work in the most glamorous building in the most amazing part of town? No. But I love my class room space. I love the neighborhood. I love that there are several parks within walking distance of us. And a library and KPTS is just around the corner. We can go to the post office and have a field trip. We can take a nature walk and see some amazing things. I mean, it is the North Side and all.

I love being able to wear my Harry Potter t shirts and discuss the movies with my “friends”. I love our little Adele sing a-longs on the playground. For Pete’s sake, I get paid to color!!! How could you ever hate that? All while helping to shape and mold 25 of the craziest children I have ever met into amazing, well mannered, talkative people.

Would I love to make more money? Yes. Would I love a bigger space to store things? Yes. Would I love to have a playground for just my class so I feel safe from the two and a half/ three year olds? That is a wish I could only hope for.

But until we win the lottery or strike oil on our property, I am 100% happy and content with my job, the people I work with, the children who attend every day, and yes, even the freaking cat.

Heidi Ho  

Memories.....

This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there. I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a town called Bel Aire.

Funny how you can go years without watching that show and yet still remember the words to the theme song. Or better yet:

Hey there Lord, my name is Ashley Banks. My family and friends want to give you some thanks. So before this dinner is all swallowed and chewed, thank you God for this stupid food.

Yep. I just went there. That was the rap/prayer that Ashley did in the first episode.

But I didn't get on here to write about my love for the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, or to even discuss my incredible memorization skills when it comes to music. What I came here to write about today is memories. The good, the bad and the ugly. What makes some of us remember everything (*cough*me*cough*) and some of us only remember the important things in life? I know it has to do with certain things in your brain, I’m not stupid. And I know that they say ‘smoking pot’ can damage your memory. But I literally remember everything. Even when I have had a wee too much to drink, and wake up the next morning with no memory, a few days will go by and everything will start to fall into place.

Some girls at work were talking about prom yesterday and I told them all the reasons that I didn’t go to prom and exactly, word for word, what I did on my senior prom night. I can remember the clothes I wore, where we went and who we hung out with. And that my friends was nine years ago. I remember riding the Zipper, drinking Smirnoff, and reading books about Wiccan spells in the church yard across the street from my house. I doubt any of the other people that were there would remember.

I can watch a movie, like The Devil’s Rejects, and remember the first night that I watched it with Casey and Krystle. I can remember my Grandpa yelling at me and Krystle to “quit renting this God damn movie or I’m not taking to you get movies anymore.” I can remember my dad jokingly getting on to my and Krystle for not telling him how graphic the movie was, how much blood was in it and that a lady is “riding the shit” out of the clown in the beginning. And he let Tammy’s boys watch it.

Simple things like that. And even more complex things; things that most people would try to forget. Like the morning my Aunt Debbie passed away. Like the entire day before she passed. The song that was playing as my sister’s ringtone the morning Tammy called to say my Grandpa had passed. The movie I was watching with Mackenzie the night before Heather woke me up to tell me Grandpa Baty had passed. I remember exactly which episode of Law and Order: SVU was playing when my dad walked downstairs to tell me Uncle Randy had called. They had pulled the plug on my Uncle Timmy, and he had passed quickly.

I remember everything.

I can tell you exactly what my dad bought from the store the day my mom left and never came back. I know what we were eating the day my dad said that he was marrying Tammy. I know what I drank the night before I moved out from my dad’s house. And I can remember every detail of the day my parents found out that my sister’s eggo was preggo.

I love to sit around and talk about old times. I love to take pictures and look back at them years later and remember EXACTLY what I was feeling, going through, dealing with.

Because sometimes, memories are all we have. Sometimes it’s better to look back and laugh. Don’t regret anything that you have ever done. At one time it was exactly what you wanted. There are no regrets in my life, just lessons learned.

Sometime I wish that I could store my memories in little bottles a la Harry Potter style. But until then, I will write them out and hold on to them forever.

Halloween 1978...my thoughts

I am pretty sure that I have watched the original Halloween around 50 times this week. And each time I watch it the more I love it and the better it becomes. With that being said, I have discovered some things about the film that I feel could have been avoided. Here I will share them with you. (FYI this is all in good fun. This is my favorite movie EVER and had these things actually happened in the film there wouldn't be a movie.) Enjoy!
#1- At the beginning of the film, poor little Michael is outsde, all alone. At the age of six. Um, who does that? I know in fim number six they say that the old wowan across the street was supposed to be babysitting him and he "wandered" off. But really? Had someone just gave the kid a little bit of attention then *maybe* his sister would still be alive today.
#2- When Mikey decieds that its time to flee the crazy house that he has been in since he was six (because no one wanted to pay attention to the little fucker), he clearly has long hair. You can see it when he jumps on the back of the creepy station wagon that reminds me of the thing I used to ride to church in with my Gma and Gpa Baty circa the 1990's. But at the climax of the film when Laurie manages to remove the mask and we get a glimps of his real face, his hair is short. Did he stop off at the barber shop before his reign of terror?
#3-Little Lindsay Wallace is a bitch. If that little heffer had just said "Okay Annie. I'll ride with you to pick up your boyfriend so you can have premarital sex," then I think the movie would have had a much different outcome. For starters, in the original films, the only kids that Michale has ever gone after to kill have been his niece and his nephew/kid. Yes, he did go after the kid in part five, but I believe that that was a diversion. Anyways, like I was saying. Had Lindsay gone with Annie instead of throwing a fit and going over to Tommy's house, Michael would not have gotten in the back seat of the car and strangled/slit Annie's throat. He would have let her live to play another day. At least until she got back to the house with Paul and they fucked, thus breaking Randy from Scream's rule #2 and getting killed off anyway. This leads me to...
#4- Linda and Bob are getting it on. Why she chose a man named Bob I will never know, but its whateves. It was the 1970's in a small town. You got in it where you could. Anyways. The phone, the phone was ringing. The phone, they weren't right there. They were worried that it was going to be Lindasay "The Bitch" Wallace's mom and dad and Annie would get caught letting teenagers use their house like an old school Bunny Ranch. Not the case. I'm sure it was Paul. I would almost bet my HP movies on it that it was Paul. He was calling to see where the eff Annie was. Oh, wait! That's right! Annie is dead. Somewhere in the house mind you because we all saw Mikey carry her body in. Had Linda asked Bob to answer the effing phone they would have known that Annie never showed up to get him. Then maybe Linda and Bob would have gone across the street to where Laurie was and been all like "Hey Laurie. Annie never showed to pick up Paul. We're kinda freaked out. Maybe we should call her daddy who BTDubs is a cop." But no. They decided to keep on fucking. And thus, Bob is dead, and we all get to see P.J. Sole's tits for two seconds.
#5- Where the FUCK did Mikey get the sheet?!? I mean in Rob Zombie's we see that Bob was wearing the sheet first (I'm assuming Rob Zombie always had this question as well). I mean, did he go searching for a linen closet until he found an all white sheet? We saw how well that worked out for Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin's charaters in Beetlejuice. They had to use flower shit. So, Mikey finds the closet. Now what? He goes on a search for sisscors? Does he use his knife? I'm confused. This guy must have been like the male Martha Stewart or some shit. Anyways. It is pretty clever though. And funny. "What's a matter? Can't I get your ghost Bob?"
#6- Was it socially acceptable to leave kids alone while babysitting in the 1970's? Because Laurie does. And we have already seen from scene one of this movie that old people do it as well (or older sisters, depends on how far you follow the movies). Dear parents of children of the 1970's, You might want to check with your children and all your old babysitters to see how many times they were left alone and how often people fucked in your house.
#7- How come in the whole damn movie, Michael doesn't miss his mark one time with his sister (and he was only six), with Annie, Linda or Bob, but he misses not once but SEVERAL times when trying to kill Laurie? Did he smoke some of Annie's weed? Drink some of Linda and Bob's beer? Or was he tired? WTH Michael? You know Dr. Loomis wouldn't have had a chance to shoot your ass if you had just followed through with your approach in the creepy ass closet/bedroom at the Wallace house. Laurie would have been killed, there would be no guns fired, Dr. Loomis may have never found you. You could have been able to be a regular citizen again. No one except for Loomis really knew what you looked liked. You could have gone off to a small town in Texas and lived a peaceful life.
#8- Michale, why the eff didn't you paint the station wagon when you were getting that hair cut? Again, Loomis would not have found you and you wouldn't have been burned in part two, shot with an oozie in part four, captured and shot with tranqs in part five, beat the living shit out of after having posion stuck in you in part six, stabbed the shit out of in part seven, and burt the fuck up in part eight.
All in all, I love this fucking movie. But these questions have set heavy on my heart since I was five. Yes children, I was five the first time I saw this movie. I'll be 27 soon. That's 22 years of watching this movie, and it still scares the living shit out of me.
"If you do that they'll see him on every street corner; they'll look for him in every house. Just tell your men to keep their mouths shut and their eyes open."- Dr. Sam Loomis
Anyone down for a Halloween marathon?

100 Things All My Friends Should Know About Me

01. I dropped out of college.
02. I'm deathly afraid of clowns.

03. I miss Buffy the Vampire Slayer
04. I should be sleeping now.
05. I love fall.
06. I hate to brush my nappy ass hair.
07. I like to carry around a Camcorder and tape people during awkward, embarassing, or otherwise amusing moments.
08. My job amuses me.
09. I hate math.
10. I like to shop at thrift stores.
11. I hate people as a whole, but I love them as individuals.
12. I really like this person right now, but am too scared to tell them.
13. My biggest fear is dying unloved.
14. I like to read.
15. I drive myself crazy when I procrastinate, but I do it anyway.
16. I've never seen The Lord Of The Rings
17. I don't really like grape Koolaid
18. I have a lot to learn.
20. I sometimes like to watch the rain and think.
19. I worry about other people dying, but I don't fear my own death.
22. I'm anal retentive about most things, but my room is pretty messy.
23. I love hugs.
24. I've only slept with one person...ever.
25. I'm not very athletic.
26. I should drink more water.
27. Racism really pisses me the fuck off.
28. I wish I was better at spelling.
29. I get upset when my friends choose their significant others over their friends.
30. I have a dog.
31. I'm no stranger to drinking.

32. I'm a slacker.
33. Whenever I get sick, it's usually respiratory.
34. I have lots of CDs.
35. it doesn't bother me when other people drink or do drugs...except meth. NO TWEEKERS!
36. I hate wearing socks to bed.
37. My hair is several different colors right now.
38. I can't wait to see the next Hunger Games movie.
39. I'm a sucker for a guy who can sing.
40. I can be really personable.
41. I really enjoy thoughtful gifts, even if they cost nothing.
42. I won't drink beer.
43. I love blankets.
44. I'm actually fairly content with my height.
45. My room is not pale blue.
46. I know I shouldn't eat at McDonald's or Burger King, but they're so good. *whimpers*
47. I live in a world of make-believe.
48. I wish that I was in a band.
49. I am addicted to music.

50. I love my friends more than anything else.
51. Peter is my pimp.
52. I want the library from Beauty and the Beast
53. I love to find money in my coat pockets.
54. I randomly scratch my head, and that needs to stop.
55. I love the Dallas Cowboys!!!

56. I can throw down on some Mexican food and manicotti.
57. I'm a big fan of Surphace! (local band)
58. I hate the idea that my mom still calls.
59. I'm very good at singing!
60. In my eyes, I am unsatisfactory.
61. I worry about the next generation.
62. Generally, the people who I have crushes on, don't like me back. 63. I can never listen to local music enough.
64. I've been up all day.
65. I'm apprehensive about getting older.
66. I find religion really interesting.
67. I don't like to be alone all the time.
69. I get way too excited about upcoming concerts.
69. My theory is that if someone likes you, then they should tell you. Not their friend. And I need to practice what I preach!
70. Childbirth scares the fuck out of me.
71. I am perhaps too forgiving for my own good.
72. I love owls!!!!

73. I check my Facebook and Twitter religiously.
74. My gender annoys me.
75. I love vodka.
76. I love to write.
77. I still watch WWE. Don't hate.
78. I don't really like my mom.
79. St. Patrick's Day is in my top three holidays.
80. I learned how to drive when I was 22.
81. I can't spell for shit, but I am a grammar nazi.
82. I hate thoes preppy snobby too damn much for a pair of pants stores in the mall. They are made for skinny bitches who need to endulge themselves in some McDonalds every now and then.
83. I eat meat.
84. My friends like my parents.
85. If I had a moustache, I would wax the tips and curl them upward.
86. Sometimes I think to myself, "Wow. People are really fucking stupid."
87. I like getting dressed up.
88. My birthday feels like any other day.
89. I can't stand it when people spend more than one hour on their hair.
90. I miss my Grandpa Jerry very much.
91. I have never been in an airplane.
92. I miss my Aunt Debbie and Uncle Timmy.
93. Goofing off is fun.
94. I want to write a song that makes people cry.
95. There is one song in this world that makes me think about my Park City house that makes me cry everytime I hear it, live or on the CD.
96. I like Disney movies.
97. I like flip flops.
98. I wish I had the balls to tell him how I feel.
99. I live for chicken patty days!
100. I vote yes on gay marriages.

My Perfect Man

So, I have compiled a list of things that makes a guy the "Perfect Man" to me. Notice how nothing is a physical trait? Yeah Buddy....

1. Makes me laugh.

2. Understands that I hate doing my hair so you’re probably going to see it in the same style a million times.

3. Can go through my CD collection and know more than half of the artists.  (local acts are not included).

4. Understands that I am not very religious, but that I do believe in God. I believe everything happens for a reason and that God works in mysterious ways.

5. Respects that I don’t need “just because” gifts. Being with them is gift enough.

6. Can accept that I splurge on myself for important events, but will never pass up a sale. In other words; I'm cheap.

7. Staying in and watching movies, listening to music and/or just chilling is an okay date with me.

8. Does not feel threatened by my male friends. If I wanted them I wouldn't be with you.

9. Likes to cook. Know that I can't cook a whole lot of different things but I am willing to try new foods.

10. My family is first above all.

11. I drink like a grown man. But not every day, and not even every month.

12. I'm nice and quiet with people I don't really know, but become more open with time.

13. My job is something that I love to do, but don't make a lot of money doing it.

 14. LOVES MUSIC!!!

AND

15. Respects that I'm not very sexually experienced and is still willing to be with me. 

Skankzillas

I believe this photo's caption with all my heart. I feel in my heart that I don't need to skank it up to get the guy. And yet, I do sometimes. Is it because I want to? Lord no. It's because that is what society has accepted as "normal". Dress like a whore, get the guy.

But what happened to the good girls? The ones who used their brains and their charm to get someone. The shy girls who hope that their desperate attempts of horrible conversation, the invites to late night breakfasts, the more than obvious FB posts, get her what she wants. The girls like me.

It breaks my heart to see these perfectly nice guys treated like shit by these, excuse my French, fucking skanks. These girls think that they can whore it up and get the guy their vagina wants that night. And once they have this poor boy hooked like a sad pathetic fish, they use him up for what he is worth, then toss him back into the ocean. But he is tainted now. His guard is up. But for the wrong girls. He now thinks that the girl who actually likes him is just trying to get something from him. Trying to get money, gifts, special privileges. But in reality she just wants his heart.

And thanks to Skankzilla over there who broke him, the good girls, the smart girls, the girls who may not have the highest self esteem, the girls who think with their heart first and their vaginas second, are left alone.

I will admit I have skanked it up in the past. But shit, I'm almost 30. I either need to start nabbing attention with my brains and my awesome personality (even though I know my boobs over shadow not just those things but life as well) or accept the fact that I'm doomed to be in the Friend Zone forever.

This isn't where I wanted this to go. But I'm listening to Bush radio on Pandora and Staind was just on. Nothing like a lil anger music to fuel a blog. Oh and if it still isn't obvious, then I'm obviously not being obvious enough and I should start adopting cats now.

Heidi Jane