"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."-Dr.Seuss

Normally I take the time to write out a rough draft of my blog so that I know how stupid I sound before I submit it for the whole world to see. That and I am a horrible speller. Grammar Nazi yes, Spelling Bee champion, never. But I'm going to write straight from my heart on this one. I sit here in my PJ's, just finished reading Fifty Shades Darker, and my heart feels heavy and my mind is full. I need a drink in my life, but I have too much going on tomorrow to indulge in the sweet, satisfying taste of vodka. It is sad that I have finally grown to the point in my life that I resist a drink, or ten, on a self pitty day because I know I have to get up for work in the morning. But what I wouldn't do for some liquid courage right about now.

I left my home away from home Crummy's this fine evening for many reasons. One, being listed above, is that that I have something very important to do in the morning for my AWESOME job. Second, I don't really have the money to spend on drinks and I don't know a billionaire who could afford myself and my friend's drinking habits. Third, I was dressed WAY too down to be hanging out in a public place and I was in serious need of a shower. I worked super hard today AND I bowled an impressive 195 so I was a tad bit sweaty. And lastly I left because I am a girl and sometimes a girl just doesn't need to see what she can't have sitting in front of her, within arms reach, not wanting her.

I told Megan tonight that I would be a strong person and just stop whatever feelings I have for him right now before I end up hurt and reading text messages about other girls while I drown my sorrows in vodka. I told her that if I can just ignore it then eventually it will have to go away.

And she told me that she was proud of me.

But...(there's always a 'but' isn't there?) I don't know if I can. I couldn't even look at him as I told my two best friends 'good-bye'. I didn't want to look into his eyes and not see the same thing looking back at me. I left quickly before I could be talked into staying as I was last week. I needed to stick to my guns. I needed to leave. I needed to get in my car and go the fuck back to Haysville and finish my book and take a shower and tweak my slideshow...and sit here and kick myself in the ass for not being the brave girl I want to be. For not being as outspoken as my other friends. For not taking advantage of an amazing situation when I had the chance instead of being so pumped up for a fucking movie.

I will NOT let this ruin my summer. I fully intend on hanging out with my best friends on Wednesdays and having as much fun as I can. Even if that means not drinking. Even if that means I have to force myself to be strong and MOVE THE FUCK AROUND!

I'm putting a stop to these feelings. I don't want to, but I know in my jacked up little heart that if I don't quit while I'm ahead, then I'll feel worse in the long run.

I think I can handle the "Friend Zone". I've been here many times before. They know me here. They save me a table for one near the window so I can watch from afar.

Heidi Jane

I Love My Job

As I sit here waiting on my super amazing slide show for the up and coming 2012 Pre-K graduation to save,  I am reflecting on today. Was it a good day? *eh* Sorta. Was it a bad day? *eh* Not really. Was there someone who made me wanna throw a chair thru the window in the style of Chris Brown and then give ‘em a Rock Bottom AND a People’s Elbow? You bet your ass there was.

But does that stop me from wanting to go back tomorrow?

The answer is simple.

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT!

I LOVE MY JOB!!!!  I’ll scream it from the roof tops until I am blue in the face. I freaking love my job. There are days like today where my name was actually on the list of people who did a fuck up yesterday where I spend the first 25 minutes of work angry. But then I remember all the AMAZING shit I do on the daily, and it ten folds outweighs leaving my cup out. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere else. Nor do I ever want to. (Unless that dream of a singing career ever happens. And yet I still hope I on the schedule just in case.)

Do I make the amount of money that I am worth? Hell to the no. But I understand that that is what happens when you work in child care, especially one that supports a church.

Do I have health benefits? Again, no. But again, I choose to work here and I knew all this beforehand. I know how my body is and when I start to feel really shitty I do go to the doctor. I just pay out of pocket.

Do I work in the most glamorous building in the most amazing part of town? No. But I love my class room space. I love the neighborhood. I love that there are several parks within walking distance of us. And a library and KPTS is just around the corner. We can go to the post office and have a field trip. We can take a nature walk and see some amazing things. I mean, it is the North Side and all.

I love being able to wear my Harry Potter t shirts and discuss the movies with my “friends”. I love our little Adele sing a-longs on the playground. For Pete’s sake, I get paid to color!!! How could you ever hate that? All while helping to shape and mold 25 of the craziest children I have ever met into amazing, well mannered, talkative people.

Would I love to make more money? Yes. Would I love a bigger space to store things? Yes. Would I love to have a playground for just my class so I feel safe from the two and a half/ three year olds? That is a wish I could only hope for.

But until we win the lottery or strike oil on our property, I am 100% happy and content with my job, the people I work with, the children who attend every day, and yes, even the freaking cat.

Heidi Ho