Normally I take the time to write out a rough draft of my blog so that I know how stupid I sound before I submit it for the whole world to see. That and I am a horrible speller. Grammar Nazi yes, Spelling Bee champion, never. But I'm going to write straight from my heart on this one. I sit here in my PJ's, just finished reading Fifty Shades Darker, and my heart feels heavy and my mind is full. I need a drink in my life, but I have too much going on tomorrow to indulge in the sweet, satisfying taste of vodka. It is sad that I have finally grown to the point in my life that I resist a drink, or ten, on a self pitty day because I know I have to get up for work in the morning. But what I wouldn't do for some liquid courage right about now.
I left my home away from home Crummy's this fine evening for many reasons. One, being listed above, is that that I have something very important to do in the morning for my AWESOME job. Second, I don't really have the money to spend on drinks and I don't know a billionaire who could afford myself and my friend's drinking habits. Third, I was dressed WAY too down to be hanging out in a public place and I was in serious need of a shower. I worked super hard today AND I bowled an impressive 195 so I was a tad bit sweaty. And lastly I left because I am a girl and sometimes a girl just doesn't need to see what she can't have sitting in front of her, within arms reach, not wanting her.
I told Megan tonight that I would be a strong person and just stop whatever feelings I have for him right now before I end up hurt and reading text messages about other girls while I drown my sorrows in vodka. I told her that if I can just ignore it then eventually it will have to go away.
And she told me that she was proud of me.
But...(there's always a 'but' isn't there?) I don't know if I can. I couldn't even look at him as I told my two best friends 'good-bye'. I didn't want to look into his eyes and not see the same thing looking back at me. I left quickly before I could be talked into staying as I was last week. I needed to stick to my guns. I needed to leave. I needed to get in my car and go the fuck back to Haysville and finish my book and take a shower and tweak my slideshow...and sit here and kick myself in the ass for not being the brave girl I want to be. For not being as outspoken as my other friends. For not taking advantage of an amazing situation when I had the chance instead of being so pumped up for a fucking movie.
I will NOT let this ruin my summer. I fully intend on hanging out with my best friends on Wednesdays and having as much fun as I can. Even if that means not drinking. Even if that means I have to force myself to be strong and MOVE THE FUCK AROUND!
I'm putting a stop to these feelings. I don't want to, but I know in my jacked up little heart that if I don't quit while I'm ahead, then I'll feel worse in the long run.
I think I can handle the "Friend Zone". I've been here many times before. They know me here. They save me a table for one near the window so I can watch from afar.
Heidi Jane
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